I know this shouldn't bother me...but...I can't help it...and, well...it sucks.

    I went and checked on my ex-boyfriends myspace the other day. I've been nothing but nice to him since we broke up, but he still blames me for the broken everything I "gave" him. He thinks I broke up with him because I prefered David...which, wasn't the case at the time. I even called him on his birthday! I have never forgotten it...and I always make sure he is doing alright...

    Anyways, I posted some nice comments on some of his pictures, and, like normal, so I should be used to this, he deleated them. It bites. He was such a good friend to me for so long...long before we were dateing we were best friends. I met him at a Christian Camp that we went to every year. He was always so much fun and bubbly and happy....now he is cynical, sarcastic, biting, and fake. It really hurts. I don't know what to do about it.

   I know GOd has something for him...and I'm glad that God has something for me too...but...even though I know this stuff, I still ache for him because of his bitterness towards me. I love him so much as a friend, but he never sees that...I pray for him every night...but he doesn't know that, or care... I call him occassionally because I want to make sure he is alive and well...I think he sees it as me trying to torture him with memories.

   I never ment to hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him...thats why I broke up with him. I knew he wasn't the one for me...and he couldn't see that. I wanted to be his friend...not his lover or wife. I want to encourage him...not tear him down! He won't let me! grr...it makes me want to cry...he used to be so much fun........

   Really, this shouldn't bother me anymore....it has been almost 4 years since then...he shouldn't be bothered either...but he is...and I am. Will he ever realize the truth? Lord, help us both...

So yeah...I think the title explains a bit...
I might get Fired! and it isn't my fault. I don't care what people will say, it isn't. My boss isn't very good about sticking to the schedule or telling people if it changes, so...people like me don't ever know when they work! It sucks. I didn't know I worked today, I thought that I worked on Saturday and Sunday...now, I knew there was a possibility of me working on Wednesday and Thursday because one of the guys who was supposed to work had something come up, but then my boss said that that had worked out, so I checked the schedule and it still said I worked...well, I wasn't sure, so I called yesterday morning and asked if I worked, they said no, so I assumed that I didn't work today either....BIG MISTAKE! I did work today...but, then my boss got it wrong AGAIN. she had me to work at noon, but as I have told her a million times, I have class until 12:30 and I can't work until 1pm...so, at 1pm when I got her message, she was pissed at me for not showing up at work(all the while I didnt know I was working, and I would have gone but she told me not too even bother, just to go to the meeting we had tonight. Then she wouldn't even look at me, let alone speak directly to me unless she had to...then she called me hours later to see if I am working tomorrow. I am, but now I'm going to get an earfull and she probably won't listen to a word I will say about it...)
OH! and on top of it, I have this sneaky feeling that one or two of my co-workers are talking about me to my boss all the time and my boss to them. That REALLY pisses me off...Bosses shouldn't talk to other employees about their fellow employees...EVER. That should be a policy...because it is wrong. I feel completely and utterly confused and upset because I don't understand why I would get fired over being late for work, or rather, not showing up to work, because she miss scheduled me, and it wasn't my fault, I would have worked if she hadn't told me not to bother...Does it make sense when I haven't done anything else wrong, (besides forget to take the trash out once or twice because I have been taking everyone elses trash out because all they do is stick it into the bit outside and never take it, thus forgetting to take the stuff inside out...grr...) and I just don't see the reasoning behind that! Its not my fault, and I doubt that she will admit to the problem with the scheduling...of coarse, you know, I can admit, that I probably miss calculated or rather remembered the days that my co-worker was supposed to work...therefore mixing up the work schedule...But even then....COME ON!
I have been in constant pain and I'm tired of dealing with so many things...it is rediculous dealing with it...I'm tired of people thinking that I have no feelings or getting mad at me for random things that I don't understand...I'm tired of feeling this ever sharpening pain in the right side of my body and wondering if I will ever be able to stop it and have a normal life again. I am tired of feeling bad because I can't do something for someone because of my body being as broken as a 60 year old's. I am tired of trying to do something right but being blamed for trying to hurt or harm something. It isn't right or fair.
I will have my back and hip checked on the 19th...if it is bad, I won't have a job anymore...I will not be able to face being slightly disabled if thats what happens...It may only be a little while, but I can't jeapordise the business or my co-workers by the possibility of me throwing hot milk at them because my right hand spasses and stops working...or my legs give out under me and I can't walk. I just can't do that...I'm sure no one would give a damn though...some people cant look past their own selfish amibition or their own pride and emotions. Some people can't stand the fact that someone else might actually be better/worse off then them. Some people seem to want people to feel sorry for them and I think that that is the worst thing in the world. Believe me...I used to do it! and guess what? That is how satan will rip your little body, ugly heart, shrivled mind and soul to shreds. People just don't seem to get the fact that some people do truely hurt...some people can't help it...but some people just don't care anyways.
I hate dealing with this stuff...every time this stuff goes through my mind I want to scream and shout. I hate the bitterness that is growing in my heart towards some people...and I hate the bitterness that is growing towards my self...because that is the one place I cannot seem to fix or go near. My own heart, my own pain, my own fear, my own mind...I can't understand them. I understand others to well...but myself? not a chance. My unforgiveness and pain and bitterness is seeping past my own walls and out towards that of everyone around me...I hate that. I hate hurting people, even if it is because they feel bad for my pain. DON'T! I don't want you to hurt for me...your pain becomes the center of mine. I can't stand when the ones I love hurt...it kills me, more then words can say...it phsycally kills me. I doubt people realize that this is possible, but it is. So many times people say. "YOU DON"T CARE ABOUT ME...YOU REALLY HATE ME AND COULD CARE LESS!" and every time they say that, a piece of me dies, and as it dies, I become phsycally ill and start to die. I do care about you so much...and I can only begin to imagine the amount of love CHrist has for you...if this kills me so, how much more would it rip him up to hear you say that? And what for? Satan's glory...thats all it is...self pity and satan's glory. God gave up his life for you! How many more people must die for you to see that your life is so much more precious then the air you breath?! Stupid people...We are lost and stupid without Christ...SO lost, so stupid...
I ache all through my body...and for what gain? Only the gain of Glory for Christ. If that is why I Must suffer, then suffer I will. But OH! I wish I did not have to carry this burden...I wish that love was much easier, but it isn't. Love is not bliss as much as it is enduring pain and suffering for those around us. I ache all through my mind and heart. Silly people...we get upset over the stupidest things. That upsets me more then what actually takes place to make me upset to begin with! I hate being upset...it totally ruins my day.
I wish that people would get over their pride and wake up. Wake up and listen to those around them, but not listen to their words so much as the cry of their hearts and their silent cries that they broadcast so loudly without even realizing it. Wake up people! There is an end coming...Don't wait for it because then it will be to late. Take the time you have now to become what you were ment to be. We are made new and whole through Christ and CHrist alone. Silly people...Suptid world...So lost...so empty...so Angry...so hurt...
All we need is healing. Its there. Are we going to take it?